⚠ TRIGGER WARNING - this post talks about mental health including anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. ⚠
Those who know me well or have followed me for some time may have seen some of my previous posts about mental health but I wanted to throw out an update about the current battles and struggles and why I've found everything lately difficult.
Every day it feels hard. It's like having a constant heavy anchor pulling the mind down to the depths of lowness. It feels like it's always raining in my mind and there's very little sunlight that is getting through currently. Days feel long, days feel pointless and my whole existence comes into question.
One of the greatest escapes from my own mental issues has been going to the theatre. That was somewhere I always associated as my 'happy place'. A space I could go in and get lost in a story and be transformed to a different place for a couple of hours. Lately, I've found my anxiety so heightened at a theatre.
I have always had something I've called 'wee nerves' for as long as I can remember. The need to go to the toilet is mostly in the mind more than in the bladder. I had a really difficult mind night a few weeks back at a show and that's rumbled on to an almost complete mental breakdown. Lately, at the theatre, I've been going to the loo 2 or 3 times before a show and maybe then 2 more times at the interval. It's a hard sensation to describe but it just grips me into a horrible fear.
That fear starts in the days before a show and then on the day I've even begun planning the structure of the day, I try to eat less and I certainly drink a lot less which I know isn't probably the healthy thing to do but it certainly becomes a help with those thoughts.
On the flip side of that constant heightened anxiety is depression. It rises up like a roaring monster. Screaming things like "you're a failure" or "you are not enough" constantly. It's like having a little devil on your shoulder constantly makes you feel worthless. Imagine it like that game at the funfair where you have to splat an alien that rises up. You may hit one thought down but then the devil pops up again with a different one. It can feel so heavy to lift out sometimes.
It is hard to go on when you're sat questioning what is the point. You reach that rock bottom place where everything feels bleak and hard. I want anyone reading this post to know that I do feel safe and I've not hit the point of suicidal thoughts. I recently celebrated being 5 years clean of self-harm and I also don't feel like I've reached a point where that is something I've considered again, but both things do loiter in the back of your mind. It's a constant vicious cycle of that same devil saying "you're not good enough so you should die" or similar.
The mind is the own worst enemy for catastrophising everything. From making the smallest thing into about 50 thoughts of what could go wrong, or what could happen. That's a difficult thing to balance I find. Plus when your mind is feeling rubbish you become quite self-critical and then hard on yourself and then you're in a constant battle with your own mind about your own mind and it's a hard thing to fight out from.
The problem of being feeling a burden or a problem to those around you is a constant worry for my mind. I'm sure it's a feeling that we can all relate to. It makes it hard to be social at times because you're constantly worried about someone else's reaction to you especially when you're already in a dark place. I've always been quite bad at small talk except with those I'm really comfortable with so again my mind races about things I can say. Sometimes if I'm seeing someone I'll try and think about 3 or 4 things I could talk about beforehand.
Another problem I struggle with is a lack of energy and feeling tired all the time. For me, my doctor prescribed me Propanolol a couple of weeks back and I've definitely noticed that I've felt a bit more tired since starting on them. I've had to nap some days just from the sheer exhaustion. Although that feeling of tiredness remains it still can feel difficult to get to sleep at night, but that is a problem I've had for years. I guess the darkness and nighttimes are harder for a lot of people.
With all this going on I've struggled to find any enjoyment or happiness in the past few weeks. Even if there's a few hours of escape and happiness then a few hours later everything can start again. There's been little pleasure in watching TV or listening to music and those things have previously helped. Even things like having a show come with panic attacks, maybe it's being stood there naked just with your thoughts, I don't know.
I just want to feel 'normal' again, whatever 'normal' is. I have started CBT again and have had 3 sessions already and I'm hoping that leads to a positive change going forwards. I hope the tablets continue to help me feel a little calmer at my tenses and most anxious moments. I want to feel enjoyment.
The world has for me been feeling dark and grey lately. I hope every day I'm a little stronger, but some days I also feel a bit weaker and I guess it's learning that it's okay too. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to take time, as long as I don't give up hopefully sunshine will break the heavy clouds and sunshine will shine on my life again.
I hope you're all doing well. As ever if you're struggling I would urge you to speak to your doctor or a health care professional. You can also contact Samaritans for free. Constant them through their website https://www.samaritans.org/ or call them on 116 123.
