Into My Mind

⚠ TRIGGER WARNING - this post talks about mental health including anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. ⚠

Those who know me well or have followed me for some time may have seen some of my previous posts about mental health but I wanted to throw out an update about the current battles and struggles and why I've found everything lately difficult.

Every day it feels hard. It's like having a constant heavy anchor pulling the mind down to the depths of lowness. It feels like it's always raining in my mind and there's very little sunlight that is getting through currently. Days feel long, days feel pointless and my whole existence comes into question.

One of the greatest escapes from my own mental issues has been going to the theatre. That was somewhere I always associated as my 'happy place'. A space I could go in and get lost in a story and be transformed to a different place for a couple of hours. Lately, I've found my anxiety so heightened at a theatre.

I have always had something I've called 'wee nerves' for as long as I can remember. The need to go to the toilet is mostly in the mind more than in the bladder. I had a really difficult mind night a few weeks back at a show and that's rumbled on to an almost complete mental breakdown. Lately, at the theatre, I've been going to the loo 2 or 3 times before a show and maybe then 2 more times at the interval. It's a hard sensation to describe but it just grips me into a horrible fear. 

That fear starts in the days before a show and then on the day I've even begun planning the structure of the day, I try to eat less and I certainly drink a lot less which I know isn't probably the healthy thing to do but it certainly becomes a help with those thoughts.

On the flip side of that constant heightened anxiety is depression. It rises up like a roaring monster. Screaming things like "you're a failure" or "you are not enough" constantly. It's like having a little devil on your shoulder constantly makes you feel worthless. Imagine it like that game at the funfair where you have to splat an alien that rises up. You may hit one thought down but then the devil pops up again with a different one. It can feel so heavy to lift out sometimes.

It is hard to go on when you're sat questioning what is the point. You reach that rock bottom place where everything feels bleak and hard. I want anyone reading this post to know that I do feel safe and I've not hit the point of suicidal thoughts. I recently celebrated being 5 years clean of self-harm and I also don't feel like I've reached a point where that is something I've considered again, but both things do loiter in the back of your mind. It's a constant vicious cycle of that same devil saying "you're not good enough so you should die" or similar. 

The mind is the own worst enemy for catastrophising everything. From making the smallest thing into about 50 thoughts of what could go wrong, or what could happen. That's a difficult thing to balance I find. Plus when your mind is feeling rubbish you become quite self-critical and then hard on yourself and then you're in a constant battle with your own mind about your own mind and it's a hard thing to fight out from. 

The problem of being feeling a burden or a problem to those around you is a constant worry for my mind. I'm sure it's a feeling that we can all relate to. It makes it hard to be social at times because you're constantly worried about someone else's reaction to you especially when you're already in a dark place. I've always been quite bad at small talk except with those I'm really comfortable with so again my mind races about things I can say. Sometimes if I'm seeing someone I'll try and think about 3 or 4 things I could talk about beforehand.

Another problem I struggle with is a lack of energy and feeling tired all the time. For me, my doctor prescribed me Propanolol a couple of weeks back and I've definitely noticed that I've felt a bit more tired since starting on them. I've had to nap some days just from the sheer exhaustion. Although that feeling of tiredness remains it still can feel difficult to get to sleep at night, but that is a problem I've had for years. I guess the darkness and nighttimes are harder for a lot of people.

With all this going on I've struggled to find any enjoyment or happiness in the past few weeks. Even if there's a few hours of escape and happiness then a few hours later everything can start again. There's been little pleasure in watching TV or listening to music and those things have previously helped. Even things like having a show come with panic attacks, maybe it's being stood there naked just with your thoughts, I don't know. 

I just want to feel 'normal' again, whatever 'normal' is. I have started CBT again and have had 3 sessions already and I'm hoping that leads to a positive change going forwards. I hope the tablets continue to help me feel a little calmer at my tenses and most anxious moments. I want to feel enjoyment. 

The world has for me been feeling dark and grey lately. I hope every day I'm a little stronger, but some days I also feel a bit weaker and I guess it's learning that it's okay too. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to take time, as long as I don't give up hopefully sunshine will break the heavy clouds and sunshine will shine on my life again.

I hope you're all doing well. As ever if you're struggling I would urge you to speak to your doctor or a health care professional. You can also contact Samaritans for free. Constant them through their website https://www.samaritans.org/ or call them on 116 123.

12 Years On.

Isn't it strange how one moment in life can cause such a rippling after effect? How something that wouldn't necessarily affect someone can really mess you up.

For me, that comes in the case of being assaulted back on the 18th January 2009, 12 years ago today. It's really strange how I can pretty much remember that day pretty clearly but ask me what I did last a couple of weeks ago, not a clue! I guess that's the thing with trauma it's hard to shake it off. 

To paint the picture of that evening, basically, after playing for my indoor 5-a-side football team, me and my friend Lucy came back to mine to chill and watch some TV. It came to around 10pm and the Lee Evans stand up show we were watching finished. I decided we should watch something else for a bit and we did so it was 11pm before Lucy headed home. She only lived about 20 minutes walk away and naturally being dark I walked her home. 

Walking along the main road we approached a bus stop where these 3 guys were waiting, as we got nearer they came over to us and asked us if we knew what time the last bus was, then Lucy got her phone out the check and next thing I know we've both been punched to the ground. It only took one punch and I was down. They thankfully ran off, I think after realising Lucy wasn't a male. I'd a broken nose and was bleeding profusely. In a panic, I just ran to the first house and knocked on the door. The poor guy that answered wasn't exactly thrilled that I'd bled all over his stop step mind you. 

Thankfully we were only a couple of minutes away and one of Lucy's parents came and got us. A police car passed us by and we flagged it down. We went back to Lucy's where we chatted to the police and that. With my nose in such a mess, it was decided I should go to the hospital so my mum took me down. It's in the car I remember realising I'd lost my phone in all the commotion (god knows what make it would have been mind you - pre getting an iPhone!). I remember just crying so much in the car to the hospital. 

The next day there was giving of police statements but sadly neither of us saw their faces or anything cause they had hoods up and it was dark. So nothing ever came from it in that sense. I had to return to the hospital a couple of weeks later to have my nose moved back into place - honestly one of the grimmest moments of my life but that was that. 

I had one session of counselling at the time, the people never followed it up and I guess I didn't feel strong enough to chase it myself. Since then I've completed two full courses of CBT for both anxiety and depression as a result of the attack but even know it still affects me on a daily basis especially when I'm outside walking. 

It obviously affected quite a few things for me at the time, particularly socially and I think that still rumbles on to an extent. It certainly knocked my confidence and has affected my work life too. I remember at the time a few people I knew being like "get over it" but yeah when there's something in the back of your mind like it might happen again or whatever. That whole "get over it" attitude can really hurt too.

It's weird to think but that whole event spiralled my lowest point a couple of years ago when I was suicidal. That confidence I lost through this one event caught up with me after a verbally aggressive patient at a job I used to work at a doctors surgery. I'm not someone for confrontation and yeah just having someone shout at you for something that wasn't even really my fault and then getting quite personal was almost like being back at that bus stop. I think confidence-wise I'm a little better with now.

One of the things that really still affects me, and anyone I've ever talked to about this disagrees as I'm sure you might, is the blame. Do I blame them for attacking us? Yes but I also blame myself for allowing us to be out so late. That blame I think I'll always take with me. Whilst I can't sit here and write if we'd been an hour earlier it wouldn't have happened but yeah I think it wouldn't have. 

So 12 years on, I think I'm in a better place than I have been but those events of that night still affect me. With lockdowns and that, I think all our mind have been a bit mush and low moods have been more and more for us all. I think we all miss a sense of normal. Naturally for some this has been an even worse time with the loss of loved ones or people who have been working hard the whole time. My thoughts are with those who have suffered at the hand of this horrible disease and those who have been working so hard, you are heroes.

The biggest thing that has gotten me through the past few years is theatre (as much as it can in the big void of there being no live performance) and the people I've connected through the shows I've seen or connected too through my blog. This last year a wonderful theatre WhatsApp group has been a blessing and really kept me afloat, the Zooms we've done has been so wonderful - lots of hours with these wonderful precious humans. On those days where you're feeling a bit off-kilter, you can just pop by and see some good faces and release out. I must give a huge shout out to Emmie here cause she's really been a rock. We can just happily natter away about anything. 

Some days I still just sit in my room and think of all the things I've done wrong, all the failings I've probably made. All the questions we all sit and ask ourselves. Am I enough? I don't know. I want to try and be a bit better and stronger this year (granted it's hard with what's still going on). I want people to have a reason to believe in me. I want someone to hopefully think I can be enough for them. Some days the low moods can be a real difficult mental cloud to lift. But I think we're all feeling that a bit at the minute. 

I want anyone that's suffered any life event that's affected to know that hopefully there's going to be sun if we just don't give in to the demons. YOU are worthy. It might not feel like that some days but someone people in the world definitely will think it and that's something I try to remind myself. 

I really hope you're all doing okay, that you're keeping as safe and well as you can be. I don't know what the point of me posting this was but it's been a nice little release.

Anyway, take care of yourself and be kind.